mother, may i?

no, you may not.

It’s all fun and games when I write silly little posts about mommy dearest, but when it comes to some of the things that dictate my life, then I kinda have a problem with it.

I’m all about the family time (in one day increments, breaks throughout the day to do my own thing), but to send me an e-mail with her own rules and regulations on our upcoming trip to Taiwan…PASS.

Rules (in order for me to have a place to live in taiwan):

1) Must show respect to mom (I guess I can’t  roll my eyes anymore. I just can’t help it sometimes! However, this is a reasonable request)
2) Cannot take a taxi because the drivers will want to rape and kill me.
3) Cannot stay out pass 9:00 p.m.
4) Do not get more fat

there are a few problems I have with this. When did I turn 12 again? Last time I checked, I am a 25 year old “grown up”. Also, I can’t help it if I value good food. I guess I could practice eating in moderation. And no taxis in taiwan? REALLY?

This called for quite a verbal tiff with mommy dearest. So to reconcile this recent rendevouz of evil verbal exchanges, I wrote a loving e-mail:

Title of email: Excited

hi mom!

I was thinking about taiwan today and got really excited! I think we’ll have great mother and daughter time in Taipei. I’ll try my best to be safe…and keep you from worrying. I promise I’ll always be with someone so that I’m not alone. And if I am, I’ll call you.

I plan on getting a temporary cell phone in taipei so I can contact  you and stuff. Do you think that’ll be expensive?

Also, I want to get some rain boots before I go to Taiwan. I need comfortable shoes…and unfortunately, all my boots are worn down. Want to go shopping with me?!

I’m trying to make my last day of work earlier….like the 21st,and then head home for the holidays. I want to get as much packing in before then though so I’ll probably head back to Dallas on the 24th so I can spend time packing on the 25th.

Moms loving reply:

YOU are going back on Christmas EVE?  What kind of daughter are you?  ARe you here to torturing us?  Honestly, what kind?  Have I really abused you that much that you have to torture me like that, just one nonsense after another. You are no longer my daughter. I disown you from this day. dont bother coming home.
 
Rita

My response:

Say you’re sorry for being ridiculous

Mom:

kiss my ass.
 
Rita
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daddy dearest e-mailed me to teach me the ways of the King (aka. how to handle the unreasonable, my mom):

dearest stephanie,

there is something you need to know, and that is, how to handle your mom.

Mom is always play “leader” role in our family, if there are 2 leaders under one roof, then one must go.  In our family case by default mom is the leader and making the call in most of not all cases.  If we agree with our leader then great, if we disagree then we have the right to keep it to ourselves.

I rarely disagree with mom, because I tried long ago and reached the conclusion, there is mom’s way or no way.  In principle there is fair or not fair.  In real life we follow the leader, right or wrong is secondary issue.  

What mom can be reasonable, is when we the people need help, weak, lost, incapable of, not able to, in that case “leader” can lead the people out of wood.  Remember right or wrong is secondary issue.

To make your Taiwan trip a relax one, instead of making decision of your own, layout the objectives and let mom to help, be soft and as always, you are totally lost, so leader can help and get you up running again. learn from Diamond (the dog), he has mind of his own but always on “weak” side, that require our leader to help, even going out to pee. consequently he always got what he want with mom (but not dad).

And always remember 3 very important rules:

1. mommy is always right
2. even when mom is wrong, she is still right
3. when mom admits she is wrong, she is still always right.

Love you,

dad

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::sigh::